zaterdag, oktober 11, 2008

Things that tick me off.

Political commercials. Especially when some talking hypocrite berating his/her opponent or trumpeting his/her own virtues wraps up by saying, "I'm Joe Blow, and I approve this message." No. Really? The fact that you were just in the commercial and were the one doing the talking wasn't enough for us to figure out that you approve it?

Legos. Not the Legos themselves, they can certainly be a lot of fun, but the idiots who decide that Legos are for construction, or art, or science, or some kind of numbskull application and they recreate the Mona Lisa out of Legos, or they build a quarter scale Statue of Liberty out of them in their backyard. Get a life. Perfect Example -> Aircraft Carrier.

Experts. When reading the newspaper, there are often statements such as "experts say" or "experts tell us" but there is no mention of who these idiots are. And, when does one become an "expert" anyway? Do you need a Doctorate, 25 years of experience, a letter from your mother?

Evolution. Seems to be a given fact these days that Evolution is gospel (sorry for the contradictory comparison) and all of the masses of asses just accept the "science" that we somehow showed up on this planet out of happenstance and started fighting with each other. It seems obvious to me that someone has to really be ignorant to believe in Evolution. But, I suppose it is easier than the alternative: We are sentient beings with a spirit and soul and a mission and are actually responsible for our actions.

Global Warming. If Global warming is such a crisis, how come my last 5 summers in a row have been so miserable? Colder than normal, no sun, miserable. If you believe the news, it seems like everything causes Global Warming these days, just like everything causes cancer. We're doomed anyway, so quit complaining.

Polls. Political polls should be outlawed. When these pollsters hit the road to try to find out what the average guy on the street thinks, they are trying to influence public opinion. Polls don't indicate what is going to happen, they shape people's opinions and can change what would have happened had people actually done the thinking for themselves.

Public Opinion. When one sees folks on the street being interviewed about their "views" of Obama's or McCain's policies and they start spouting off about foreign policy or domestic policy or healthcare, am I really supposed to think that this is important or valuable? Who are these losers anyway? I really don't care what someone outside of a HyVee grocery store thinks about the Financial Crisis.

Celebrities. It annoys me to no end to hear some multi-millionaire spout about their superior opinions on anything. Just because you have been in a movie or released a CD or been on television doesn't make anything you have to say any more interesting or important. Please just shut up. And, if you want to threaten to move out of the United States if this or that politician is elected (Michael Stipe), just go ahead and do it already ... nobody really actually cares.

Drugs. Watching television these days gives one the impression that everything about his/her life is insufficient, broken, inferior and that there is a drug which will help you sleep, lose weight, feel happy, have better sex, cure your restless leg syndrome, etc. Everybody, please just be silently miserable like all of the stoic generations before you. And, wake up, a pill won't solve your weight problem, but this small piece of advice might, "PUT DOWN THE FORK!"

Abbreviations. LOL, BRB, AFAIK, ROTFLOL, get a grip. This is not clever, it is not hip, it is not cool, it is retarded. I really get incensed when someone liberally sprinkles LOL every few sentences. Are they really "laughing out loud"? Learn to type. Quit it with the stupid abbreviations.

Chainletter emails. Do not send me an email which says that I must send it on to 10 people within the next 30 minutes and something good will happen or alternatively trying to use the guilt-trip method of urging me to send it if I am patriotic/caring/good enough. Guess what? I delete it and put your email address in my spam filter.

Idiots who don't fact check. If you are about to send an email with unsubstantiated claims in it, and especially if there are those telltale signs that it has been altered before being sent to you (example: the names in the email are a different font/size/colour), check the facts first before you send it. Snopes is a good place to start. Just because you want to believe something is true does not mean that it is.

Not using Blind Carbon Copy (BCC:). If you are going to send out an email to a long list of email addresses, do yourself and them a favor by placing all of the email addresses in the BCC: address line and not in the To: line. This helps protect people's privacy and helps reduce Spam. This is especially important for you if you are going to send out one of those unsubstantiated emails mentioned above. If you do this and do not BCC all recipients and I am one of them, I will respond to the entire list with a harsh rebuke for the lack of fact-checking on your part. You have been warned.

zaterdag, augustus 23, 2008

How to be Polish.

Rule Number One: Do not smile. It is not necessary to smile in Poland. Smiling may end up making the corners of your mouth sore; this is unnecessary behaviour.

Rule Number Two: Answer your mobile telephone at all times. If you are in a business meeting giving a report, or even if you are in the middle of a conversation with someone, if your telephone rings, you must answer it without delay. Immediately ignore the person you were just talking to and talk in a loud, argumentative tone of voice (see Rule Number Ten).

Rule Number Three: If you are in a business meeting, it is acceptable to start your own "mini-meeting" if you are at a sufficient distance from the chairperson. Sufficient in this case is about two metres. Feel free to start your own meeting during someone else's, but make sure to pretend that you are whispering.

Rule Number Four: The first answer to any request should always be, "No, that is impossible." Even though you know that if pushed on the subject eventually it will be possible, make sure to dig in your heals and maybe the person will just go away.

Rule Number Five: Do not obey even the simplest traffic rule. Speed limits are for dummies. Traffic Jams are only for the uncreative. If you need to do so to avoid a traffic jam, drive on the sidewalk. Those pedestrians and dogs will get out of your way. If you decide not to go faster than the speed limit, make sure that you remain in the left-hand lane to obstruct the faster moving traffic.

Rule Number Six: Never stop your car at a crosswalk when someone is attempting to cross the street. If you do, they will merely look at you in bewilderment as if you are crazy for doing so.

Rule Number Seven: Shake everyones hand at all times. Even if you shook someones hand earlier in the work day, if you see them again, shake hands again. This is very important.

Rule Number Eight: Standing in line is for dummies. If you can, try to squeeze your way in front of as many people as possible.

Rule Number Nine: Park wherever you want to. That's not a bus stop, it's a parking place. Use it.

Rule Number Ten: When having a conversation in Polish, always sound as if you and your partner in the conversation are having a very serious disagreement. Even if you are completely agreeing with everything the other person says, make sure that to a foreigner it sounds as if you are really annoyed with the situation.

Rule Number Eleven: Always eat soup with your lunch. Lunch is just not complete unless you can have some soup with it. Preferably, your soup should be made from the stomach of a cow. Yummy.

Rule Number Twelve: Spend lots of time hanging out in the kitchen at work. Invite your co-workers in for conversation and coffee. Make sure you do this several times per workday.

Rule Number Thirteen: If asked when something you are working on can be delivered, or when answers to important questions will be available, always give "As soon as possible" or ASAP as your first answer and assume that this will hinder any further discussion of the subject. If pushed to give a better answer, always reply with, "Well, it's difficult" and hope that the other person will take pity on you and leave it at that.

maandag, september 26, 2005

Driving through the Clouds

On my way from Stafford Virginia to Harrisonburg, I arranged my journey so that I could drive the Skyline Drive through Shenandoah National Park. The Drive is laid out so that it snakes and winds around the peaks of the Blue Ridge Mountains overlooking the Shenandoah Valley. At about 3500 feet (1150 meters), the drive provides spectacular views of the valleys below and occasionally, the clouds are low enough to literally drive through them.

After having gotten remarkably lost leaving Stafford, Virginia, by the back roads, and of course being a man I was loathe to stop and ask for directions, I eventually made it over to 522 highway, also known as the Zachary Taylor Highway. Leaving Culpepper travelling north on 522, the drive was delightful. Rambling hills, tree-lined byways, pretty farms and villages made for a very enjoyable ride. Passing through such towns as Scrabble and Woodville – hopping metropoli they are not – I reveled in the “middle-of-nowhere” feeling that rarely exists in Holland.

Upon arriving in Sperryville, there were only two more miles to go before arriving at the entrance of the Shenandoah National Park. Shenandoah, what a wonderful, beautiful, mellifluous word, and the park certainly encompasses the natural wonders conjured up by its magical name. Travelling south on the Skyline Drive, the road wound and turned and curved up and down and around the peaks of the Blue Ridge Mountains. The speed limit is 35 miles per hour and for good reason. There are many blind curves and vehicles stopped regularly as the drivers and passengers availed themselves of the magnificent panoramas which were presented repeatedly along the route. There were shear drop-offs and rambling hills that rolled away down the sides of the mountains and all were covered in a verdant green splendor of antediluvian trees.

Farther down the Skyline Drive as it rose into some of the taller mountains, the clouds acted as sentries and further enforced the need for the 35 mph speed limit. Thick, wet mists hung in the dales of the higher peaks and although there was no rain while I drove, the clouds licked the windshield and left behind a thick layer of dew necessitating the windshield wipers to leap into action. The temperature was noticeably cooler and my need for airconditioning evaporated. Descending from the realm of the clouds, my automobile touched down on a dryer runway and the splendid vistas again stretched into the distance.

I was a bit reticent as I approached the exit from the Skyline Drive onto 33 Highway which would lead me into Harrisonburg, my final destination. The mere 40 miles of the Skyline Drive which I drove simply whetted my desire for more of its natural majesty. The Drive stretches 105 miles from Front Royal in the north to Rockfish Gap in the south. Along the Drive there are dozens of places to stop for hikes back into the woods and many of the trails lead toward spectacular waterfalls and hidden groves and gorges. If you ever have the opportunity, make sure you take some time to experience some of the footpaths while driving the Skyline Drive.

maandag, september 19, 2005

Everything I ever needed to know I learned from the Connecticut Driver's Manual

Having lived in Holland for eight years, my American driver's license had long ago expired. Wishing to travel across the United States by automobile, it was necessary for me to acquire a new license, and having established residence in Connecticut, I pursued this goal there. I had no doubt whatsoever that I would be able to pass the driving theory test, but just to make sure that in my eight years of absence the situation had not changed drastically, I perused the Connecticut Driver's Manual to make sure that I still knew what a Stop Sign looked like.

However, I didn’t realise what a joy the Connecticut Driver's Manual would be to read. I had long been searching for such a practical guide to everyday life, and not since Georges Perec’s La Vie Mode d’Emploi had a book held such valuable insight for me. Eagerly devouring the sage advice contained within the Driver's Manual, it occurred to me that others could also benefit from this information and so I decided to write this introduction. I am now convinced that the Connecticut Driver's Manual deserves a revered place in every family’s bookcase alongside the Bible.

The following practical information has been culled from the Manual and is intended to guide you in your everyday life. Each nugget of wisdom is categorized under its appropriate subject matter. My comments are in italics.

Manners and Civility

Pg 62 - If you want to waive to another driver, please use all of your fingers, not just one. Obscene gestures have gotten people shot, stabbed, or beaten.

Remember that not everyone will realize that you may just mean that you think they are “Number One.”

Good Nutrition and Eating Habits

Pg 71 - Eat lightly. Do not eat a large meal before you leave. Some people get sleepy after they eat a big meal.

Sure, that Double Whopper with Extra Cheese looks tasty. But, don’t let it fool you! It’s an evil ticking time bomb wishing to lull you into a false sense of comfort. People could die!!!

Similes and Metaphors

Pg 72 - You do not know when you have had too much to drink until it is too late. It is a little like a sunburn, by the time you feel it, it is already too late.

“I am sorry sir, but we’re gonna have to arrest you.”

“But, officer, I haven’t been drinking!”

“We realize that sir, but that is one heck of a sunburn you’ve got there.”


Self-Therapy

Pg 74 – If you are worried, down or are upset about something, try to keep your mind on your driving. Some find listening to the radio helps.

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

Identifying and Avoiding Morons

Pg 57 – People who are confused may cause an unsafe situation. People who may be confused include:

• Tourists or others who do not seem to know where they are going.
• Drivers who slow down for what seems like no reason.

“Honey, I am sure that the World’s Largest Rocking Chair is around here somewhere. Keep looking, I’ll slow down.”

Anger Management

Pg 61 - If you get angry easily and feel you do not have the best frame of mind while driving, consider postponing the trip until you feel better, have a friend drive or call a taxi.

“Uh, hello, Boss? I’m sorry, but I cannot come into work today. I am feeling very angry and the Connecticut Driver's Manual suggests that I postpone my trip until I am feeling better. What?! What do you mean I am fired!!!!? Why, you son of a …. I’m gonna get you, I’m coming over there right now!”

Patience

Pg 61 - If another driver does something to anger you, talk to your passengers about it rather than use your vehicle as a weapon to retaliate.

“Did you see what that son of a ..."

Physics

Pg 50 - Vehicles moving in the same direction at the same speed cannot hit one another.

This is a great example of the concept of vectors. University Physics students would be well-served with such vivid imagery of complicated subject matter.

The Instinctual Nature of Human Beings

Pg 61 – A sense of "territory" that leads us to presume that we own the space around us and our vehicle. When another vehicle invades that space in a way we dislike, we have an increased and unfounded tendency today to strike back.

Anyone see the inaugural NASCAR Race yesterday? The drivers certainly could have benefitted from this advice.


Remember, these are all actual, word-for-word quotes from the Connecticut Driver's Manual. To verify this material and possibly develop your own insights into the Zen of Connecticut Driving, you can click here for a copy of the manual.

vrijdag, augustus 26, 2005

Enduring the harshness of the elements.

Camping out is a very manly thing to do. So they say. While in Cincinnati, in order to limit my expenditures on lodging, I decided to camp out in the Whitewater Forest in Harrison, Ohio. At 18 dollars a day, only the YMCA in Hartford, Connecticut, could compete, but then that is a whole other type of wilderness.

I drove into the forest from Interstate 74 and found the State Park and the campground. I drove to my campsite, complete with electrical hookup. After setting up my tent and breaking out my lawn chair, I headed back out of the forest into Harrison to do some foraging. There I bought my supplies: Sliced turkey, pepperjack cheese, mayonnaise, some pita bread, some Heineken, some ice and a Duraflame log. Since it had rained very hard the night before, I figured any firewood gathered in the surrounding woods would be too wet to light and/or keep lit. Hence, the Duraflame.



For those of you who do not know, a Duraflame log is a piece of firewood (and I use the term “wood” loosely here) designed for use in a home fireplace. Actually, it is like a giant piece of dark-brown, hard wax shaped like a log. It’s easy to light, puts out a nice even flame and lasts for a long time.



I lit my trusty Durflame log, and just as the packing proclaimed, it was burning fully after five minutes. There I sat sipping a cold Heineken and eating a delicious Turkey Pita Sandwich in my fold-away lawn chair while watching my nice campfire as the sun set. The flame was indeed very pleasant and steady and it enhanced the ambience of the campground particularly along with the sounds of crickets, and the soothing sounds of the Interstate Highway traffic rumbling along echoing from down the hill and the screaching jet planes landing and taking off at Cincinnati International nearby. It seems that the flight path went directly over my campsite. I could literally see the landing gear of the planes overhead especially in the very bright light of a very full moon.

This was all just fine and dandy, and actually I was enjoying doing manly things in the great outdoors. However, after about 5 Heinekens, three hours, and a big turkey sandwich, I was getting very tired and the Duraflame was still burning faithfully. So, I decided to pour a bottle of water on it so I could douse the flame and head for my sleeping bag.



Well, the water caused the Duraflame to crackle and complain and hiss and spit angrily. Then, stinking smoke began to billow from the thing and drift directly toward my tent. It was as if the angry spirit of the log was wreaking (or perhaps I should say reeking) revenge. Luckily the wind changed direction and the spirit was spirited away elsewhere.

The next morning I awoke to see the Duraflame still smoking and coughing. Would this thing ever die? I poured another bottle of water on it and again came the sounds of crackling and hissing. I broke camp and packed up my belongings and took off for downtown Cincy. Looking in my rearview mirror, I could see that the Duraflame had not yet given up and still persisted billowing clouds of smoke.

Note to self: I thought my problem would have been getting wet firewood lit, not putting out a Duraflame log that refused to die. Stick with real firewood next time.

zaterdag, augustus 20, 2005

Rockin' Through Indiana

Tavelling south of Indianapolis on Highway 31, I ran across a wondrous sight. Passing through Amity, Indiana, Behold! The World's Largest Rocking Chair. How could I resist stopping for a photo? Overawed by the majesty of the gigantic Rocker, I could only look off into the distance and contemplate my puny existence. Such a Rocker! Only Elvis could have claimed to be a bigger Rocker and he's dead. Or perhaps Meatloaf, but I heard he was on a diet.


If you would like to see the World's Largest Rocking Chair in all its glory, there is no substitute for being there. But, the next best thing is to click on the picture above and see how tiny the Giant Rocker makes my roly-poly self seem.

dinsdag, juli 19, 2005

Ode to a Pecan Log Roll

Dedicated to Cole Blackford

Ode to a Pecan Log Roll

Oh Stuckey's Pecan Log Roll
I love your crunchy exterior
You're exotic like an island atoll
All other candies are inferior
You are found along every interstate
Your nugat filling makes me quiver
I bite you once and want to celebrate
Unlike alcohol you don't hurt my liver
Oh Stuckey's Pecan Log Roll
I would rather get you in my stocking
Than a big old lump of coal
Pecan Log Roll, you keep me rocking!


For those Europeans out there that do not know the wonders and ecstacy of the Stuckey's Pecan Log Roll, you can check out the website here: Stuckey's

Stuckey's are found along most of the interstates of the United States and they have an item called the Pecan Log Roll. As a kid travelling anywhere with Mom and Dad and stopping in at a Stuckey's, the Pecan Log Roll always seemed to be the most desirable candy and of course Mom and Dad always said no. While travelling from Houston to Beaumont, Texas last week, I stopped at a Stuckey's lusting for a Pecan Log Roll. As I stood in the line waiting to pay holding the Log Roll in my trebling hand, my body surged with overwhelming joy. Giddy with excitement, I rushed out to my car to eat it. I only have one word to say after all of those years of longing and anticipation - disgusting!

woensdag, juni 22, 2005

Between the Sky and the Sea

Chapter 1 – Faro and away.

In order to rendezvous with the cargo ship CMA-CGM Potomac which would afford me passage across the Atlantic to New York City, I first had to journey from Amsterdam, Holland, to Portugal. The least expensive flight I could find took me to Faro. Having never been there before, I was looking forward to seeing a bit of the Algarve before heading to Lisbon which would be my port of embarkation aboard the Potomac. On the first day of my coming eight-month journey, I was kindly transported to Schiphol Airport by Christa, boarded my plane and departed Holland, my home of eight years.

Arriving in Faro, Portugal, on Tuesday evening 18 April 2005, I came as I usually do - with only a vague sense of a plan. Using my best 9th grade Spanish, I inquired of the Portuguese taxi driver at the airport, "Habla Ingles?" hoping that Spanish was comprehensible to him. "No," was his curt reply, indicating that he had indeed understood me. "Quiero hotel centro" was all I could muster to convey my need of lodging for the evening. Hastily, I added, "no mucho dinero."

My chauffer drove me the 10 minutes from Faro Airport to the center of the city and implored my attention for approval of a very seedy looking hotel on a humble street in what looked strikingly like a recently transplanted section of 1980's Beruit. With nos, shaking of the head, and handgestures, I attempted to express that this was a little bit too much "no mucho dinero." With a sigh and a shrug of his shoulders, my driver took three left turns effectuating a right turn and we ventured further into the uncertain urban squalor of what was supposed to be Central Faro.

Three minutes later, I was looking at what appeared to be another disshevelled building in another nondescript and crumbling avenue and quickly hopped out to take a peek inside. A long staircase brought me to the first floor and I could find no one and no registration desk. However, the inside of the hotel looked well-kempt, freshly painted, and clean. This would do I thought.

Back outside to gather my bags (I had not packed lightly), I paid my driver the 4 euros 50 he was due and gave him a euro tip for which he seemed very grateful. I proceeded to heave my baggage across the small street and up the long stairs to reception. Anticipating my need to conserve funds while in America (afterall, I was now without a job or an income), I had packed my tent, sleeping bag, sleeping mat, as well as far too many t-shirts and jeans. I would be the best- and most variably-dressed hobo on America's highways in the coming eight months.

Finally upstairs, breathing and sweating like Michael Jackson at a day-care, I left my bags briefly by the stairs, walked down a long, slender hallway and found a man who passed as a hotel manager. Inquiring as to whether there were available rooms and whether he spoke English, he replied that, yes there were rooms available, and then, after that very intelligible reply, came the superfluous, "yes," he did speak English. Shown my possible rooms, I chose one and was told that 25 euros would be the price of my lodging for that night, in cash, paid in advance.

Depositing my baggage in the room and carefully removing my newly acquired MP3 player, my digital camera, my backup harddrive, my tickets for the ship, my passport and all other "cannot-be-lived-without" articles, I hid this underneath the bed, back in the corner. I brushed my teeth, changed my shirt and headed into the exotic world of Faro, Portugal. In the center I was indeed, for within 5 minutes of walking I ended up on a large square situated before the harbour. Some intricately tiled shopping streets leading back into a maze of alleys and byways seemed to promise what I sought - an Irish Pub, the international reconnaissance location of all native English speakers travelling in foreign lands.

Why, you may ask? First and foremost, Guinness; Second, the common language; and Third, the Irish love of gossip with which you will quickly learn all you need to know about your current surroundings with merely a few innocent inquiries. Alas, Faro didn't seem to be a gossipy sort of place as no Irish Pub was to be found in 45 minutes of wandering and going in circles. In fact, not a Pub of any kind was apparent and people on the streets were also seemingly scarce. A stray dog found me and perceived correctly that I was as stray as he was and began to hound me. It was 21:30 and Faro was a ghost town. Perhaps this was the ghost of a dog?



Giving up all hope that I would be able to extract the necessary information of where the Faro train station was from a bartender at an Irish Pub, I was aimlessly walking down the main street back toward my hotel where my short venture into Faro had begun when I stumbled upon an Internet Cafe. Not as amiable as an Irish bartender, but certainly full of the type of infomation I was seeking. I ordered a beer, Sagres, and sat down to check my email and the train schedules between Faro and Lisbon. Eventually distilling the web address for the Portuguese Train Authority from cryptic clues and messages I discovered through Google, I typed in www.cp.pt and voilà! An online timetable. My train of choice would leave the next day at 14:10 and travel directly from Faro to Lisbon, a journey of about three and a half hours.

While I perused the latest Pope news online in the New York Times, two English speaking folks walked into the Internet Cafe and one of them had a distinctly American accent. Intrigued, I finished my Pope-check, ordered another Sagres and went outside hoping to invite myself into their company. Making my apologies for interrupting them, I asked whether they knew of any pubs of any kind in Faro. Their reply was a laugh indicating that they were on just such a quest as myself and had been likely as unsuccessful. Indeed, they informed me that the Internet Cafe was the only hope that they had found for frolic. Bleak news. Offering a round of beers as the price of further admission to their company, they gratiously accepted and I stepped back inside to acquire our libations. Three large glasses of Sagres extracted 6 euros from my funds.



Dawn and Drew were to be my companions of the next few hours and we exchanged stories of our travels, our lives, and our experiences. Dawn was from California and was travelling Europe for six months. Drew was from Swansea, Wales, and was doing likewise but for a shorter term of two weeks. Both were alone, as I, and had met each other in the Bus to Faro, and both, as I, had recently quit their jobs in order to be free. Drew had most recently worked as a baker and Dawn for a company that made aerospace equipment. Dawn had been travelling with her brother Chris, but he had recently returned back to the States. Drew had had a buddy who had saved up enough money to have two weeks' travel in Europe but who had managed to spend it all in 4 days and had already buggered-off back to Wales the day before. My two new-found friends and I purposed to forge a carousing crew for the evening and hung out buying rounds until midnight when it seemed that some of the dead of Faro came back to life and began to walk the streets seemingly in search of music and beer.

We followed a group of these gratefully dead and darted up an alley in which hung a sign stating simply, "Irish Pub." Hoorah! But alas, as much as we searched it was to no avail as still no Irish Pub was to be found. We did encounter a fraternal twin set of bars in this alley side by side. On the right side was a two-story bar with live, accoustic guitar music. Settling upon this as our beer provider, we entered, ordered, and angled ourselves against the wall to listen to the music and get to know one another a bit better. I soon discovered that Dawn was 27 years old, single, and a bit at a loss where her life was taking her. Asking her what her parents thought of her quitting her job and heading off for Europe, suddenly, for some reason, I felt my mouth opening wide and my tennis-shoed foot rising swiftly to cram itself fully into my gob. Dawn's parents were both dead and her father just the year previous. I apologised effusively for my insensitive question and Dawn graciously stated the obvious - I could not have known. Further, Dawn said she realised her need to talk about the death of her parents, desired to move on with her life and did not wish to dwell on the negative. 27 years old? She seemed an age-old sage to me.

Ready for some new surroundings, we exited our accoustic bar and went next door to the evil twin bar belching Rammstein from its dark and redly glowing interior. Contemporary Portuguese Gothic could be a phrase to describe the interior of the place. Strange paintings and drawings covered the walls, one of which was of a man, beer glass hoisted to his lips, gulping down the liquid as he pissed it out just as quickly. Interesting. Lord of the Rings was being shown on the Television. A few rounds more and we were another hour further and it was time to make our farewells. I asked Dawn and Drew for their email addresses, but I having nothing to write them down, they did not believe that I would remember them. But, when they receive and read this story, they will realise that my foggy wits were still about me as I committed their emails to memory.

Back to my hotel for some sleep, I quickly checked what Portuguese television had to proffer only to witness about 30 minutes of one of the worst movies I have ever seen - Demolition High. Don't ask me what the plot was, because I don't think there really was one. Off to slumberland.

The next morning, I packed my things and at 12:00 headed for the train station five minutes from my hotel. I purchased my ticket for the 14:10 to Lisbon for 15 euros and settled in at a cafe for a pastry, a sandwich, some coffee and some more Sagres. Two hours gave me much time for contemplation and I thought about what lay behind me and before me. Behind me lay almost eight years of my life spent in Holland, the friends I had made in that time, and the experiences I had had travelling to places which had existed for me as a child only in fairy tales and history books. Eight years. I had just turned 37 years old and I realised that this was more than 1/5 of my life. But, now it was time for change, renewal.



My purpose was to travel by freight ship from Lisbon to New York City and from there, again, I had only vaguely a plan. I would purchase an old Toyota pickup truck, and journey from the East Coast to the West Coast of America in the coming eight months. What this journey held for me, I had merely an inkling. Let things develop as they will, as they must. Along the way, I would be a detective investigating the varied and storied history of my family. Immigrants, warriors, social reformers, scientists, baseball players, whalers, pioneers, inventors, doctors, scholars, actors, politicians, vampires, gangsters, facilitators of new religions, builders, and billionaires. Plenty of material for me to chase in my pursuit of writing a book of history. But first, I must get to Lisbon.

14:00 and the alarm on my telephone sounded rousing me from my musing and warning me to make my way to the train on platform 4. Heaving and dragging my bags to the train, I found my way to my seat and sat back to enjoy watching the farmland and villages of Portugal pass as we set out for Lisbon, the capital of Portugal. Ahhh, the train cars were very modern and nicely air-conditioned. It was not yet hot outside, but a constant cool temperature in the train was already welcome in late April. And, a bar car. Sagres.

Before I had left my home in the Netherlands, I had taken the painstaking task of ripping every one of my 300 some-odd CDs to MP3s and loading them onto my new Creative Zen Touch MP3 player equipped with a 20 gigabyte harddrive. Of the 20GBs, I used 15 and brought with me some 3700 songs. It was a repetitive, boring activity to place one CD after another into my computer, but now that I had three and a half hours ahead of me, it was all worthwhile as I had every type of music imaginable at ready beck and call. Selecting some appropriate "leaving-Faro-by-train" music, I reclined and relaxed.

The landscape of the parts of Portugal through which we travelled was rugged, alternatingly rusty brown-red and lush verdure, and always starkly beautiful. Entranced with the passing scene, I saw villages, cobbled together over the centuries, hurry past us between the fields of grasses and orchards of olives and groves of oranges. Small hills to each side of the track, and larger mountains in the distance, cast shadows beside us and over us moving up and down as the sunlight broke through intermittantly outside of our windows as we snaked our way through the countryside. Flit, flit, flash – flit, flit, flash. Before long, a funny little paved road appeared out of nowhere and the asphault gave up abruptly. Someone had been so thoughtful as to place a STOP sign at the end of the road as if some sad soul may think of continuing on a way that did not exist further. A small motorcycle hove into view, sitting still to the left side of our path, devoid of rider, no one to be seen. Old men walked slowly along the dusty roads and old women hung their laundry out to dry. Decrepit bridges crossing small rivers and streams had remnants of an old track resting upon them. Having long since been replaced, the old bridges still sat beside the new train track, never again to convey anything or anybody but perhaps a few adventurous boys wanting a close up look at the train as it passes.

Stopping occassionally at the larger villages along the way, we let out and picked up the various passengers all the whilefor me accompanied by the sounds of music and the cool, sweet wetness of Sagres. Finally approaching Lisbon, we conveyed ourselves across a gigantic bridge suspended above a waterway far, far below us. Blue sky sank into blue sea as the city bespeckled the mountains on either side. Spectacular. Lisbon was far larger than I had expected and strangely, the first thought that came to my mind was that I would probably be able to find an Irish Pub here!



Copyright © 2005 Estey Wijaks, All Rights Reserved, Permission required for reprinting or distributing.

vrijdag, juni 03, 2005

Find a Wheat Penny, Pick it up!

Today, while sifting through my pocket change to pay for a refill at Starbucks, I ran across a Wheat Penny. Not that that is entirely unusual, but having been absent from the States for eight years, I had forgotten all about them.


The penny dates from 1955 and I find it very intriguing that this little piece of copper has been floating around for 50 years from person to person, hand to hand, and now it resides with me. They say if you find a penny and pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck. This must be doubly lucky.

dinsdag, mei 31, 2005

Khordorkovsky Guilty?

We'll never know the truth of the matter. Perhaps he was a squeaky-clean upstanding billionaire freedom fighter who got chewed up in the gears of the barely camouflaged communists still in power, or perhaps he was a manipulating insider with personal grudges against those in control wanting to wrest power away from them and got spanked in the process. Who knows? It's probably somewhere in between, but I don't think that there are a whole lot of "white as the driven snow" types in Russia after the mind control of Soviet Communism for 70 years. As an example, even in the Czech Republic, a country which had the seventh largest economy in the world between WWI and WWII and whose mayors of Prague were penpals of the mayors of Paris, some of the more bizarre effects of communism are still felt to this day. Although abandoned by the West and controlled by Moscow after WWII, the Czech Republic was no lapdog and even went through a brief uprising in 1968 called the Prague Spring which was ruthlessly crushed with Soviet Tanks. The Czechs were certainly no bootlickers and tried desparately to maintain their identity while being brainwashed by communism.

Now, sixteen years after the fall of communism, the Czech Republic is a full member of the European Union and yet to this day there is a saying there which goes, "if you are not stealing from your employer, you are stealing from your family." Perhaps that puts the mind-rotting nature of the effects of communism into perspective? Is Khodorkovsky guilty? Depends on which idealogy you are using I suppose. But, as far as I am concerned, anyone who has the word "dork" in his last name probably deserves what he gets!!

zaterdag, mei 28, 2005

Welcome to Freaktown

After having spent a very expensive week in New York City hotels, and another week of hotels in Providence, Rhode Island, my wallet was beginning to pinch a bit. Since I would be doing some research for a few weeks in Rhode Island, I thought I may be better served financially by finding a room for short-term rent somewhere in the area. While calling on various advertisements for rooms available in Providence listed at www.projo.com, I got a hold of one guy who made me permanently skeptical about renting a room from a stranger.

Calling the number listed in the ad, I could hear that the telephone had been answered but the party on the other end of the line remained silent.

"Hello?" said I.

"Hellllooooo," replied a freakish voice.

"I'm calling about the room for rent I saw advertised in the Providence Journal."

"Yaaays," comes the answer, but nothing more.

"Could you tell me a bit more about the place?"

"Well," said the voice, speaking very slowly, with a nasal quality, and creepy mouth-breather intonation, "we have a nice home right next to the cemetery, so the neighbors are very quiet. He, he, ha!"

"Oh," I replied a bit disconcerted, "I suppose dead people don't make much noise, do they?" said I, trying to play along.

"Oh, certainly not. And, we have fresh flowers on the table every morning too! Woo, hoo, ha!"

Startled, I considered my only response was to continue abetting this curious exchange "Well, I suppose you certainly could have fresh flowers every morning, living next to the graveyard and all."

“Oh, no. I am only joshing you. He, he.”

From this point on, this weirdo’s near soliloquy was a non-stop ramble of oddities. It went something like this:

“Welllll, I run a nice Christian home here, and all of the boys that live here are good boys. How old are you?”

“37.”

“Oh, welllll, you are a bit older than the age category of the boys I have living here. But, that’s OK. One of them is 29 and is getting married next month.

“We all get along very well here, but sometimes … I have to test the boys.”

Test the boys? What kind of weirdness would this entail I wondered?

“One time I put some money on the table and left it there for three days and nobody touched it and the same amount was on the table after the test.”

This guy’s a genius.

“We don’t like a lot of noise in the home. Everyone has his own room with cable television, but we expect that nothing will ever be louder than a normal conversation level. Sometimes, if there is something really special on the television, I allow the boys to all sit together in the living room and we can turn up the sound a bit. But, only if it doesn’t last longer than 30 minutes.

“We have two meals a day, included in the price of rent. In the morning, you could have a bagel and some juice, or some cornflakes, or some eggs or stuff like that. In the evening we have a nice meal – usually something I fix up, like casserole or spaghetti. Everybody loves my cooking. Oh, and if two meals a day aren’t enough for you, there is a soup kitchen across the street. We’re just down the road from the Christopher Columbus statue.”

What kind of wacky setup is this? Across the street from the local Soup Kitchen? I could just see myself standing in line at noon with my pewter cup awaiting my apportionment of gruel for the midday. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more peculiar, this nutcase topped it all.

“If you have a puppy, that would be nice, you could bring it here. However, I do not like cats and you can’t bring a cat, a fluffy puppy is fine. I want to be straight up about this - there are absolutely no bugs in this house – it is very clean! But, to be honest, I would rather have cockroaches in my house than a cat! Cockroaches are just under the refrigerator or in the sink, but a cat … a cat is everywhere! On the couch, on the table, in the hallway, on the television!”

“Yeah, a cat is like a great big cockroach, I suppose,” said I, completely flummoxed by the weirdness of this guy.

“Yes, I suppose they are. No cats! However, I do have a 50 gallon fishtank with tropical fish and if you have something you want to put in there, that would be nice.”

My first thought was that I would like to put piranhas in the tank, or possibly some cockroaches.

“How much do you charge for a room at your home?” I asked.

“It’s in the advertisement.”

“No, it just says ‘affordable’.”

“Well, I charge $15 a day and I expect to be paid up front for the week. That’s $105 dollars per week. And, I don’t put up with any funny business.

“Just come by and you can have a look and we can see if it will work out for you and for me and the boys.”

“OK. Thank you for your time.”

“My pleasure. See you soon.”

15 dollars a day for a room and two meals per day? Damn, I often spend more than 15 dollars on dinner alone! As tempting as was the price, the question marks floating all over this freaky situation were making my head hurt. Graveyards, tests for the boys, cockroach-cats and fluffy puppies, fresh flowers courtesy of departed loved-ones. This was all just too weird. Wallet forgive me, I think I’ll spend another night at the Motel6!

vrijdag, mei 27, 2005

CMA CGM Potomac -- My Home for 8 days.


This is the ship on which I journeyed 3371 miles across the angry sea from Lisbon, Portugal, to New York Port from 21 April 2005 to 30 April 2005. The current name of the ship is CMA CGM Potomac, but this photo is from a while ago when her name was still Douce France. The Potomac is 704 feet long and has a 9 cylinder engine that produces 21,000 horsepower. She travels at a mean 18 knots in good weather and about 13 in a storm, this I know from experience!

woensdag, mei 25, 2005

Wanna be a Mitchum Man?

While in Boston last week, I happened into an Irish Pub/Disco (that's the only way I can describe it) called Hennessey's. It was in the Faneuil Hall area of downtown. Upon feeling the effects of a couple of pints of Sam Adams, I made my way to the restroom. Entering, I was immediately confronted with an advertisement posted on the wall for a brand of deodorant called "Mitchum." How disappointed I was when I was finished with my business - apparently, I was not a Mitchum Man. How did I know this? The ad read, "If you have ever urinated for 60 seconds without stopping, you're a Mitchum Man." Damn.

dinsdag, mei 24, 2005

Cougar Roars Across the States

After pondering the type of vehicle to serve me best on my journey across the States, I had settled my mind upon a Toyota pickup truck based upon reliability, price, and practicality. My thought was that I would be able to sleep in the back of the truck if I had a camper shell.

However, an idea would not leave me - how comfortable would such a truck be to drive for literally thousands of miles? I determined that it would not do, and my mind wandered to thoughts of Mercury Cougar. Cougar it became, see photos of her below:

maandag, mei 23, 2005


Cougar side view. Posted by Hello


Cougar front view. Posted by Hello


Cougar from the side. Posted by Hello


Cougar Interior Posted by Hello