Everything I ever needed to know I learned from the Connecticut Driver's Manual

Having lived in Holland for eight years, my American driver's license had long ago expired. Wishing to travel across the United States by automobile, it was necessary for me to acquire a new license, and having established residence in Connecticut, I pursued this goal there. I had no doubt whatsoever that I would be able to pass the driving theory test, but just to make sure that in my eight years of absence the situation had not changed drastically, I perused the Connecticut Driver's Manual to make sure that I still knew what a Stop Sign looked like.

However, I didn’t realise what a joy the Connecticut Driver's Manual would be to read. I had long been searching for such a practical guide to everyday life, and not since Georges Perec’s La Vie Mode d’Emploi had a book held such valuable insight for me. Eagerly devouring the sage advice contained within the Driver's Manual, it occurred to me that others could also benefit from this information and so I decided to write this introduction. I am now convinced that the Connecticut Driver's Manual deserves a revered place in every family’s bookcase alongside the Bible.

The following practical information has been culled from the Manual and is intended to guide you in your everyday life. Each nugget of wisdom is categorized under its appropriate subject matter. My comments are in italics.

Manners and Civility

Pg 62 - If you want to waive to another driver, please use all of your fingers, not just one. Obscene gestures have gotten people shot, stabbed, or beaten.

Remember that not everyone will realize that you may just mean that you think they are “Number One.”

Good Nutrition and Eating Habits

Pg 71 - Eat lightly. Do not eat a large meal before you leave. Some people get sleepy after they eat a big meal.

Sure, that Double Whopper with Extra Cheese looks tasty. But, don’t let it fool you! It’s an evil ticking time bomb wishing to lull you into a false sense of comfort. People could die!!!

Similes and Metaphors

Pg 72 - You do not know when you have had too much to drink until it is too late. It is a little like a sunburn, by the time you feel it, it is already too late.

“I am sorry sir, but we’re gonna have to arrest you.”

“But, officer, I haven’t been drinking!”

“We realize that sir, but that is one heck of a sunburn you’ve got there.”


Self-Therapy

Pg 74 – If you are worried, down or are upset about something, try to keep your mind on your driving. Some find listening to the radio helps.

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

Identifying and Avoiding Morons

Pg 57 – People who are confused may cause an unsafe situation. People who may be confused include:

• Tourists or others who do not seem to know where they are going.
• Drivers who slow down for what seems like no reason.

“Honey, I am sure that the World’s Largest Rocking Chair is around here somewhere. Keep looking, I’ll slow down.”

Anger Management

Pg 61 - If you get angry easily and feel you do not have the best frame of mind while driving, consider postponing the trip until you feel better, have a friend drive or call a taxi.

“Uh, hello, Boss? I’m sorry, but I cannot come into work today. I am feeling very angry and the Connecticut Driver's Manual suggests that I postpone my trip until I am feeling better. What?! What do you mean I am fired!!!!? Why, you son of a …. I’m gonna get you, I’m coming over there right now!”

Patience

Pg 61 - If another driver does something to anger you, talk to your passengers about it rather than use your vehicle as a weapon to retaliate.

“Did you see what that son of a ..."

Physics

Pg 50 - Vehicles moving in the same direction at the same speed cannot hit one another.

This is a great example of the concept of vectors. University Physics students would be well-served with such vivid imagery of complicated subject matter.

The Instinctual Nature of Human Beings

Pg 61 – A sense of "territory" that leads us to presume that we own the space around us and our vehicle. When another vehicle invades that space in a way we dislike, we have an increased and unfounded tendency today to strike back.

Anyone see the inaugural NASCAR Race yesterday? The drivers certainly could have benefitted from this advice.


Remember, these are all actual, word-for-word quotes from the Connecticut Driver's Manual. To verify this material and possibly develop your own insights into the Zen of Connecticut Driving, you can click here for a copy of the manual.