How to be Polish.

Rule Number One: Do not smile. It is not necessary to smile in Poland. Smiling may end up making the corners of your mouth sore; this is unnecessary behaviour.

Rule Number Two: Answer your mobile telephone at all times. If you are in a business meeting giving a report, or even if you are in the middle of a conversation with someone, if your telephone rings, you must answer it without delay. Immediately ignore the person you were just talking to and talk in a loud, argumentative tone of voice (see Rule Number Ten).

Rule Number Three: If you are in a business meeting, it is acceptable to start your own "mini-meeting" if you are at a sufficient distance from the chairperson. Sufficient in this case is about two metres. Feel free to start your own meeting during someone else's, but make sure to pretend that you are whispering.

Rule Number Four: The first answer to any request should always be, "No, that is impossible." Even though you know that if pushed on the subject eventually it will be possible, make sure to dig in your heals and maybe the person will just go away.

Rule Number Five: Do not obey even the simplest traffic rule. Speed limits are for dummies. Traffic Jams are only for the uncreative. If you need to do so to avoid a traffic jam, drive on the sidewalk. Those pedestrians and dogs will get out of your way. If you decide not to go faster than the speed limit, make sure that you remain in the left-hand lane to obstruct the faster moving traffic.

Rule Number Six: Never stop your car at a crosswalk when someone is attempting to cross the street. If you do, they will merely look at you in bewilderment as if you are crazy for doing so.

Rule Number Seven: Shake everyones hand at all times. Even if you shook someones hand earlier in the work day, if you see them again, shake hands again. This is very important.

Rule Number Eight: Standing in line is for dummies. If you can, try to squeeze your way in front of as many people as possible.

Rule Number Nine: Park wherever you want to. That's not a bus stop, it's a parking place. Use it.

Rule Number Ten: When having a conversation in Polish, always sound as if you and your partner in the conversation are having a very serious disagreement. Even if you are completely agreeing with everything the other person says, make sure that to a foreigner it sounds as if you are really annoyed with the situation.

Rule Number Eleven: Always eat soup with your lunch. Lunch is just not complete unless you can have some soup with it. Preferably, your soup should be made from the stomach of a cow. Yummy.

Rule Number Twelve: Spend lots of time hanging out in the kitchen at work. Invite your co-workers in for conversation and coffee. Make sure you do this several times per workday.

Rule Number Thirteen: If asked when something you are working on can be delivered, or when answers to important questions will be available, always give "As soon as possible" or ASAP as your first answer and assume that this will hinder any further discussion of the subject. If pushed to give a better answer, always reply with, "Well, it's difficult" and hope that the other person will take pity on you and leave it at that.